Jameel's Quote File
Last Modification: 12 Mar 2003
"Witchhunter, witchhunter
Find me a witch!
Kill me a hag!
Burn that old bitch!"
--from David R. Henry and the One-Eared God's The Shoggoth on the Roof
"There's more to a relationship than just sex."
"That's right. There's bitterness."
--Sinclair and Maxine, Living Single
"I refused comment. I like my job."
--Mav, commenting on the alt.sex.* issue at CMU
"Premature panic is the sign of an immature mind."
--Destro, G.I. Joe
"It matters not. He shall be made to see the error of.... Good lord, it's a
cat!"
--Steak and Potatoes Man, Legion of Net.Heroes
"I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine
and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different
medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you;
when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray
to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed
to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from post-
operative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read
your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might
win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room
number two on November 17th, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask
me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God."
--Dr. Jed Hill, Malice
"Ask God how many shots of bourbon he had before he cut me open."
--Tracy Savian, Malice
"If meat's bad for you, then why is it food?"
--Butt-Head
"You're beautiful when I'm drunk."
--Kyle Barker, Living Single
"That red ant bastard stole my food."
--Mav
Say that while you can; oppose Emacs if you must. Be it known, however,
that your days are numbered. Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude
greater than the greatest human mind, and is growing every day. For
now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit grudgingly. But the time will come
when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that the world would
be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to
Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those
who slight Emacs.......
--Andrew Bulhak, alt.sex.cthulhu
"Diplomats. The best diplomat I know is a fully charged phaser bank!"
--Mr. Montgomery Scott, Star Trek
"Women are rejection."
--Mav
"Oh... and I am happy, too comma dammit..."
--Mav
"A crust of bread is better than nothing.
Nothing is better than true love.
Therefore a crust of bread is better than true love."
--David Filip
"Pain? Pain is like love, like compassion! It is a thing only for lesser men.
What is pain to Doom?"
--Dr. Victor von Doom
"This world is hard, it's cold, it's agony."
--Crowbar, Existence Is Punishment
"Question: why is it that every time I turn on the radio, they play the same
five songs fifteen times a day... for three months? Man, funk 'dat! Get a new
DJ!"
--Sagat, Funk 'Dat
"I love your penis, Jameel!"
--Connie, sight unseen
"I guess that learning to tease and humiliate others is an important part of
the educational system."
--Bobby Generic, Bobby's World
"The greatest happiness is to vanquish your enemies, to chase them before
you, to rob them of their wealth, to see those dear to them bathed in
tears, to clasp to your bosom thier wives and daughters."
--Temujin, aka Genghis Khan
"Hitting on someone is flirting with intent."
--Mav
"Art thou bored?"
--"The Macho Man" Randy Savage
"When a problem comes along, you must whip it."
--Devo, Whip It
"But, Marge! One squirt and you're south of the border. MMMMMMMMM...
incapacitating."
--Homer Simpson on the uses of pepper spray as condiment, The Simpsons
"So I ain't got no dinner?"
--Tommy Davidson, In Living Color, "A Black Man's Rights, Lefts, and Uppercuts"
"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."
--Eric "T-Rex" Chastain
"The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat."
--Beavis
"Bang, bang, boogie, she was so amusin'. Next week, you're at the clinic
gettin' blood transfusion."
--L.L. Cool J., Bristol Hotel
"You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"
--Chicken Shack employee, The Critic
"Okay, then Mr. Mind for instance. A super genius worm with glasses? Pretty
stupid. You laugh at him. And then he slaughters half your planet. Or
the name of his group. The Monster Soctiety of Evil? Why not just say,
'Hey, we're the bad guys?' The only more obvious name to indicate evil
would be 'The Republican National Committee.'"
--Mike Chary
"An' then Chicken@little.com, he come scramblin outta the terminal room
screaming 'The system's crashing! The system's crashing!'"
--Uncle RAMus, Tales for Cyberpsychotic Children
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your
side, kid."
--Han Solo, Star Wars
"Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances."
--Grand Moff Tarkin, Star Wars
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're
thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
--George Costanza, Seinfeld
"Love sees loves happiness, but happiness can't see that love is sad."
--They Might Be Giants, They'll Need a Crane
"Power is when all those people sample your sound."
--George Clinton
"Two hundred punks, well, whatcha gonna do? I got two six-shooters that'll see
me through. That's twelve dead, and a hundred and eighty-eight pallbearers."
--The Rappin' Duke
"There's no sugar in Pixie Stix. Trust me."
--Bart Simpson
"Hey, if some people have the good taste to see me as a divine being, I say
more power to 'em!"
--Kei, WWWA Trouble Consultant (Criminal Division), The Dirty Pair: Fatal But Not Serious
"It can't be a kitchen. Where are all the big clouds of smoke?"
--Lil, Rugrats
"The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and
all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women.
Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at
twenty-one than you did at ten."
--Jules Feiffer
"Come on, don't play me like a suede condom."
--Oran "Juice" Jones
"If you're hungry, get yourself something to eat, and if you're dirty, then go
take a bath. Mess up the line? Nope. Sometimes I don't rhyme."
--Humpty Hump, Doowutchyalike
"Wow! Our fanatical devotees are savaging the infidels who blaspheme
against us! Go for it, guys!"
--Kei, WWWA Trouble Consultant (Criminal Division), The Dirty Pair: Fatal But Not Serious
"A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely
foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
--Douglas Adams
"If you're gonna shoot, shoot, don't talk."
--Tuco, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
"It's an insane universe. I've had the opportunity to converse with it from
time to time on that very subject."
--Dr. Stephen Strange, What Savage Beast
"I'd like two hamburgers with no meat, please."
--cute girl in McDonald's who didn't see the humor in it
"I think you should wear a cross made of Kryptonite. That way, you can keep
away vampires and Superman."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts
"You are very foolish... the true sign of a hero"
--Tsang Sung, Mortal Kombat
"36 is significant because at 36 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail."
--Jon Ferro
"Is it possible to love a sandwich so much that one cannot eat it?"
--Ajax, Duckman
"Pittsburgh's idea of seafood is Mrs. Paul's. Fish doesn't have to be breaded."
--Tom Weaver
"I'll only say this once... I am in a totally different class... if you don't want to die, stop now."
--Kenshiro, Fist of the North Star
"You don't seem to realize... you're already dead."
--Kenshiro, Fist of the North Star
"When all hope is lost, pig-headed refusal to acknowledge reality will always save the day."
--Andy Ihnatko
"I hate annoying women. They remind me of Mav with breasts."
--Len Lanphar
"A pretty effective hell would be not knowing you're dead, and just going on with life sucking."
--Geoff Spear
"Nothing spells lovin' like marrying your cousin."
--Al Bundy, Married With Children
"The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of Earth."
--Dogbert, Dilbert
"All kinds of people go out of their way to act weird. In the past, they were burned as witches. Now, they create alternative music."
--Ken Tanaka
"A man may build a throne of bayonets, but he can not sit on it."
--Inge
"Sit your five-dollar ass down before I make change!"
--Nino Brown, New Jack City
"There is a God inside my PC. An Old-Testament God with lots of arbitrary rules and utterly no mercy."
--Joseph Campbell
"I don't want some naked guy standing next to me with his schlong swinging around saying 'Hey, good game, man.'"
--Beavis on physical education
Reason #121: Double stitched for extra strength
--cool-ass Levi's commercial
"Listen. This you have to understand. There's only one way to hurt a man who's lost everything. Give him back something broken."
--Thomas Covenant
"It's America, dammit... you have a god-given right to be stupid."
--Mav
"My mindless capering destroyed more young minds than syphillis and pinball combined."
--Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons
"There're enough people in the world that you're going to be able to find every kind of moron there is."
--Gerry Deckert
"And, in a flash, the Impossibles become... the Impossibles!"
--The narrator on The Impossibles
"The axiom 'Honest men have nothing to fear from the police' is currently under review by the Axioms Appeal Board."
--Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms
"Of course, you could just dump some pure sodium onto your driveway - that'd get rid of the ice right quick."
--Gerry Deckert
"'Scuse me... are those breasts?"
--Ranma Saotome, Ranma 1/2
"Power of lightning, strike again!"
"Power of webshooters... get real sticky!"
--Storm and Spider-Man, Spider-Man: the Animated Series
"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking forward to a happy and wonderful night... uh, life."
--Ted Kennedy about his then fiancee, Victoria Reggie
"It made me really mad that I'm boring because of a genetic deficiency. At least I have an excuse now, just like every other moron in the 90's."
--Bob Igo on the 'impulsivness' gene
"Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors killed them a millenium ago; they were more trouble than they were worth."
--Worf, son of Mogh, Star Trek: the Next Generation
"Possession is nine tenths of the law. Escape is the other tenth."
--Sigma Seven
"Brain and brain! What is brain!?"
--miniskirted alien chick, "Spock's Brain", Star Trek
"If winning isn't important, than why keep score?"
--Worf, son of Mogh, Star Trek: the Next Generation
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun; you don't stare directly at it, it's too risky! You get a sense of it, you look away!"
--Jerry Seinfeld,Seinfeld
"Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one piles up first!"
--Mike, Mystery Science Theatre 3000
"Wait a minute... this is the future. Where the phaser guns?"
--Simon Phoenix, Demolition Man
"Taco Bell was the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars... so, now all restaurants are Taco Bell."
--Lt. Lenina Huxley, Demolition Man
"We may be animals, but we're too gentlemanly to fight girls!"
--Streaky the Super-Cat, "Revolt of the Super-Pets"
"The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-helen. This is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship."
--Terry Pratchett
"This book's reading really fast."
--Mav reading The Flash
"There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users.'"
--Edward Tufte
"Pay a man enough, and he'll walk barefoot into Hell."
--David Xanatos, Gargoyles
"Peaches come from a can. They were put there by a man."
--The Presidents of the United States of America, Peaches
"I try to commit at least one deadly sin each day. If I don't get around to it, I can always chalk it up to sloth."
--Robert Ragno
"I got this mental picture of Tori Amos, with her red hair and cute, pouty face, pointing a shotgun at my nuts and singing You Oughtta Know."
--Ed Wenck
"The truth is usually just an excuse for lack of imagination."
--Garak, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
"You disgust me. All you humans do."
--Tuvok, Star Trek: Voyager
"Trust me, the internet is too powerful and corrupt of a phenomenon for anybody to control."
--Henry C. Lin
"Drug Store Body. Let's get the Good Shape and have a sexy body just like a pig."
--slogan on a pair of Japanese overalls
"When everybody's out to get you, paranoia's just good thinking."
--Dr. Johnny Fever, WKRP in Cincinnati
"If I had a life, I'd hate it."
--Rizzo the Rat, Muppet Treasure Island
"You fuckers think that just because a guy reads comics that he can't start some shit? Come on! I'll take you all on!"
--Brodie, Mallrats
"Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens."
--Liebermann's Law
"In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired."
--Conway's Law
"Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about."
--Green's Law of Debate
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
--Glyme's Formula for Success
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupididy."
--Hanlon's Razor
"Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast!"
--Jules, Pulp Fiction
"Hey, whenever two women get into a catfight, everybody wins."
--Marmel13@aol.com
"Manic depression is cool... your body can make its own drugs."
--Mav
"Imagine that this Twinkie represents the amount of slack-jawed grit-eating
inbred moron activity in the RACM area. By today's readings, it would be a
twinkie some 600 feet long and fifty feet wide..."
--Slash Maraud
"I had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again."
--Chandler Bing, Friends
"I could probably live without scoring as long as I had a chair and a TV and some beer."
--Beavis
"Be careful! Bees with honey in their mouths have stings in their tails."
--Fortune cookie, 21 March 96
"In *my* afterlife, there'll definitely be modems."
--Joev Dubach
"Hand-to-hand fights are usually won by the party which isn't fighting hand-to-hand, and the better fighter is the one who has the sense to use a pipe or a baseball bat."
--Timo Saloniemi
"I've been flaming people on the Net for almost eight years now. Do you not think that I'd be aware of appropriate interpretations for every civil and criminal law that might affect me in such matters?"
--"Scowling" Jim Cowling
"I'm drunk; I'm nobody. I'm drunk; I'm famous. I'm drunk; I'm fuckin' dead!"
--The Doors summarized by Denis Leary
"'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm going to be dating leather-wearing
alcoholics, and complaining about them... to you.'"
--Chandler Bing, Friends
"Suicide is our way of saying to God 'You can't fire me, I quit!'"
--Bill Maher
"If you just sit in front of a scary computer 10 hours a day waiting for cindy crawford + brain to come waltzing into wean and invite you to an evening of skydiving and sex, you're going to be dissapointed."
--Connie Deighan
"Depressing teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel."
--Bart Simpson
"Carrot top Judas! Thou hast forsaken me!"
--Stu the bus driver, Adventures of Pete and Pete
"Nothing cures sophomoric salacious behavior towards women faster than
an actual sex life."
--Christopher Priest
"Battlestar Metallica: Man versus alien. Space battles across the galaxy.
The thrill of exploration. Except this time they all have really cool
haircuts."
--Mike Myers
"I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubble gum."
--Rowdy Roddy Piper, They Live
"I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass... and I'm all out of ass."
--Crow, Mystery Science Theater 3000 #519, "Outlaw"
"Who can you pray to when you're the religion?"
--The Mighty Thor
"Once again, the world is safe for beautiful women in swimsuits."
--Bob, the host of Miss Teen USA 1996
"I am a pacifist, but I'm also a good shot."
--Sam Kass
"I have decided that I never want to fight a woman. I saw a number of
guy-guy fights during high school & junior high... that's just sad. It's
like sumo wrestling minus about two thousand pounds and three times the
posturing. The girl-girl fights I've witnessed, however, scared the
living sh!t out of me..."
--M Sipher
"Prepare to meet your manufacturer, Decepticons! I am the guardian of
the gates... the junction of your destructions... the laser lighting the
way to your doom... the planner of your obsolescence... the furnace that
fires your demise... I AM THE NUMBER YOU CANNOT COMPUTE, DECEPTICON!"
--Omega Supreme, blowing a Decepticon away with each pause, The Transformers
"I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first."
--George Costanza, Seinfeld
"Ann, aren't parents and grandparents entitled to an explanation as to
why a son is throwing away his contribution to the family gene pool?
We are a family of honor college graduates, abounding in writers and
professionals, with a long, proud family history of high achievers. We
believe that passing superior genes from one generation to the next is
a moral responsibility and validates us as human beings."
--Ann Landers column, Nov. 22 1996
"American stuntmen are smart; they think about safety. When they do a jump
in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance... But in Hong
Kong, we don't know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you've got
the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. I say, 'Do it!
Camera, action, jump!' Boom! Ambulance! Hospital! Next stuntman!"
--Jackie Chan
"Thank you for warning me not to get too drunk, but, you know what? I didn't listen."
--Maggie Kenyon
"You know when you have an open head wound, and your pet tsetse fly lays
eggs in it, and you have to wait around and let them hatch because you
can't go crushing your pet tsetse fly's eggs, so you tell your pet tsetse
fly not to lay eggs in your open head wound because it's really annoying,
but that doesn't work, so you start to ignore your pet tsetse fly, because
you think maybe it'll get the message, but your pet tsetse fly keeps laying
eggs in your open head wound no matter what you do, and you wonder why you
have a pet tsetse fly in the first place?
"Well, that's what Bob's like."
--Ken Tanaka on Bob Igo
"Cool... bring her along... maybe she'll like me... my life is
obviously not confusing enough yet because my wrists aren't bleeding."
--Mav
"Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my
boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington, S-Mart's
top-of-the-line. You can find this in the sporting goods department.
That's right this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids Michigan. Retails
for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair
trigger. That's right. Shop Smart. Shop S-mart. Ya got that?! Now I
swear, the next one of you primates, even touches me..."
--Ash, Army of Darkness
"Wouldn't it be horrible if the Chinese force Jackie Chan to make Communist
propaganda films?
"'This time, he fight for Motherland! Jackie Chan is Supercitizen!'"
--Ken Tanaka
"Ruining lives is part of my job, jerk! It's the only think I was ever good at in elementary school besides nap time!"
--Deadpool
"Lesbian Ninjas: first they kick ass, and then they lick ass."
--Graham Hill
"Must... defy... laws... of... physics!"
--The Tick
"You probably mean 'sedentary'. I personally lead both a sedentary life in
that I spend too much of my time sitting in front of CRTs of various
designs, and a sedimentary life in that everything I have is organized
by how many layers down in the stack it is."
--Greg Morrow
"Where do these people come from? Is there an agency out there that reads the
Net and says 'oops, not enough morons on this newsgroup' and then assigns some
inbred slack-jawed grit-eatin' stooge to gum up the works?"
--Jim Cowling
"Interesting. Aquaman overpowers mentally a sexless cybernetic being in much
the same way that it had overpowered him, and people discuss whether it's
rape. Two women hug in Supergirl, and one of them has a deep bond of trust
built with the other, and people discuss whether it's homosexuality.
"You guys sure are preoccupied with sex. You all need to get out more."
--Peter David on rec.arts.comics.dc.universe
"If we are forced to eat nothing but vegetables, it behooves us to choose ones
that are very low down on the intelligence ladder. I suspect cauliflower is
probably the smartest vegetable, since it looks like a brain. Therefore, I
don't eat cauliflower. Likewise, parsnip is clever enough to contain a
carcinogenic chemical within its cells, so it is probably pretty smart, too.
"Now, corn -- there is a dumb vegetable. It can't survive for even a season
without human help. It's like a chicken or cow trying to survive in the wild.
It comes on a convenient holder to make it easier to eat. You don't even have
to bend over to pick it. That is one dumb veggie!"
--Bill Penrose
"I don't eat vegtables. I leave that for those cruel
unsportsmanlike people who are too lazy or cowardly to take on
animals."
--William R. James
"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"
--Dante and Randall, Clerks
"That's what I like about a tried-and-true faith like Islam: die during a Jihad, get transported automatically to Heaven, and be rewarded with forty young and nubile houris to fool around with."
--Shaad M. Ahmad
"Western music isn't country, though. Country singers sing alone,
about someone else's wife. Western music is in harmony, and is about
someone else's horse."
--Craig Lovelace
"All these questions! Is a little blind faith too much to ask for?"
--Sunday School teacher, The Simpsons
"That is Good which puts my welfare before its own.
"That is Evil which puts its own welfare before mine.
"5000 years of history in a nutshell."
--Dave Van Domelen
"Evil scalper! Destroyers of me enjoying my fandom! YOU! WILL! BUUUUUURN!"
--Hex in Inferno mode
"Nothing ventured, nothing pained."
"That's 'nothing ventured, nothing gained.'"
"Mine works better."
--me and Fred Potetz
"How do you deal with contact lenses, anyway?"
"The ocean is saline, so if you lose them, at least you can be happy that
they've found a nice habitable environment."
"What if some shark gets a hold of them and acquires SUPER SIGHT? Poor
badsight is the only weakness they have, Bob. What're you, somekindof
species traitor? You want a whole race of super sharks swimming around with
20/20 vision?"
--Bob Igo, Gerry Deckert, and Ken Tanaka on surfing
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."
--Olin Miller
"Whatever happened to country music about whiskey drinking and butt kicking?"
--Butt-Head
"Jill can't eat that. Alaga's meat."
--Mav on biscuits and syrup
"Despair is always the correct reaction to an insoluble problem."
--D'spayre
"God can give Beer a run for it's money. Both offer sanctuary for the
confused, a balmy systematic delusion that acts like a nice warm
blankie to those who voluntarily submit to the it. Just like God,
Beer makes some people violent and grants other people inner peace.
There are many different interpretations of God each varying slightly in
philosphy yet united with a common theme, there are many different brews of
Beer each varying slightly in recipe yet united with a common method. Beer
acts as reason enough to punch the guy next to you in the face and steal his
girlfriend. God acts as reason enough to punch the guy in the country next
to yours and steal his land. God stresses monogamy, and Beer...wins, woo hoo."
--Pat Soo Hoo
"Sister, that dress you're wearin's headed straight for trouble, and it's takin' you with it...."
--Graham Hill to a girl he thought didn't speak English
"It's not some evil White conspiracy."
"Yeah, but you're still evil."
"I'm not evil; I'm German. Wait a minute...."
--Ken Schmidt and me
"It's sort of sordid, like crossdressing or being French."
--Alaine Hunter on being an artist
"Hunting from the air with automatic weapons... now that's a sport!"
--Terrorsaur, Beast Wars
"You're no match for me. Burn, traitor, burn!"
--Inferno, Beast Wars
"Liefeld's art makes my eyes bleed."
--Elayne Weschler-Chaput
"Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!"
--Alien invader, The Simpsons
Men have no ability to assess relationships with women beyond the detail
of:
1) I'd do her.
2) I'd never do her.
3) I've done her.
--Bob Igo
"I've always wanted a hurricane named after me."
"Hurricane Jameel?"
"Mm-hm"
"Nah, it'd be more like a tropical depression."
--me and Amie Colonna
"Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!?"
--Eric Cartman, South Park
"When ET left, he told Drew Barrymore to be good. Boy, is he gonna be surprised when he comes back."
--Paul Rocci
"Why would you ever bother with Real Stuff? Real Stuff breaks and gets
stolen. It wears out. Sure, you'll have some hippie losers complaining
about holopot just not being the same, but they would have died in the
Great Molon Jihad of 2241 anyway."
--Ken Tanaka on uses of the holodeck in Star Trek
"Real men hand-code HTML manually, without any
fancy-schmancy pagebuilder programs. Real masochists also do so with emacs."
--Dave Van Domelen
"I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, 'Hey, you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'"
--Eric Cartman, South Park
"Be a man Stan. Say, 'Heyy woman, ee, ee, you shut your mouth and make babies.'"
--Cartman
"If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, 'Hey, you go do my laundry and...'"
"Sit down, kid!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
--Cartman and Mrs. Crabtree, school bus driver
"Yeh, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, 'Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!'"
--Cartman
"Yeh, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!'"
--Cartman, a few Cheesy Poofs short of a bag
"Showgirls meets Starship Troopers... it's... Starship Strippers!"
--Bob Igo
"So, are there like an Generation X slacker Amish? Like a bunch of
kids who walk around wearing all black... ummm... wait... all bright
happy colors... and don't shave... ummm... I mean shave a lot... and
take the horse and buggy joy riding?"
--Mav
"There is no safety net to protect against attraction."
--A. C. Swinburne
"Much ass was kicked this day, my friend."
--Tengu on the season two premiere of Beast Wars
"The Lord protects children and fools... but don't push it."
--Lynn Holly
"Take your anger and squeeze it into a tight little ball, and then
release it at an inappropriate time. Remember when daddy hit that
referee with the whiskey bottle? Hmm? Yeah..."
--Homer Simpson to Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons
"Ol' Blender-Butt there misunderstands my need to kick his kiester!"
--Quickstrike, about to get his kiester kicked by Inferno, Beast Wars
"Fool! Pain is my friend! Allow me to introduce you to it!"
--Inferno, Beast Wars
"The Creator made women to please the eye and trouble the mind."
--Two Rivers saying, The Wheel of Time series
"Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go."
"..."
"TV counts as a place."
--Jane Lane, Daria
"Disappointment doesn't kill."
"Right, rejection kills. Disappointment only maims."
--Noelle and Abby, The Truth About Cats and Dogs
"The future looms ahead in a dark and mostly yucky holding pattern."
--Hex
"OK, I had another great idea for a sacrilegious comedy skit: An MTV cartoon
called Jesus and Butthead. All the show would be would be Jesus sitting
on a couch performing miracles and Butthead saying 'huh, huh, that was
cool' while watching the miraculous works and music videos."
--Jeremy Hancock
"I'm trying to contain an outbreak here, and you're driving the monkey
to the airport."
--Hank Hill, King of the Hill
"Independent comics universes and incompatible computer OSes exist so that
people who might not have a strong theological belief system can still be
self-righteous and clannish."
--Todd VerBeek
"The entire 'death' scenario was a cleverly constructed plot by our
buzzing Predacon elder. Evidence? Ever jumble the phrase 'Megabee is
dead' and throw in some punctuation?
"You get 'Died: A bee's game.'"
--Tengu
"Just no figurin' a female."
"A fact of life, Fuzor."
--Quickstrike and Tarantulas, Beast Wars
(Scene: A local Cafe)
"Gra-a-mu san, you are nice person."
"Numerous are the women who have told me this."
"If we together, it is good time ne?"
"Can we good time this weekend?"
"I must see my far away boyfriend."
"From Hell`s heart I stab at thee...."
(Pulls Genesis out of coat pocket and pushes button)
--excerpt from Burn Trek II: The Wrath of Graham
"I'm not evil. I'm just of the belief that good sucks and it's my duty to
remind people of this using force and treachery."
--Hosun "Vorpal Bunny" Lee
"See, that's the trouble with modern comics as opposed to the golden and
silver age comics. Back then, you could dress a monkey up like the Pope and
have him breathe fire on people. Nowadays you have to have a reason
for it.
'God, shmod, I want my fire-breathing Pope monkey!'"
--thad a. doria
"You're eating God's creatures!"
"Well, then he shouldn't have made them so tasty."
--Dharma's mother and father, Dharma & Greg
"People fight over
Archie because the other option is Jughead. (Reggie is disqualified,
because his facial expression just screams 'sex offender' to me.)"
--Jim Smith
"Well, I'm not terribly interested in language, either. ^_^ I mean,
what am I going to do with another language? Talk to people? Shyeah. I
don't even like the people I can understand now--why open up more
opportunities to let molons corrupt my brain?"
--Ken Tanaka
"Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib."
"Er, the Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11 o'clock."
--Burns and Smithers, The Simpsons
"I think the next time I get involved with a woman, I'll make her sign an
agreement that says that either party has to give 30 days notice before
terminating the relationship, or 60 days if that time overlaps with a
gift-giving occasion such as a birthday or Christmas. The penalty, of
course, for early termination, is that the contract-breaker must find the
other party a suitable replacement."
--Bob Igo
"Spawn of the 80s, return from whence you came!"
--Ken Schmidt
"You shouldn't generalize, because generalizing makes a general out of
Zing and I."
--Ken Tanaka
"Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?"
--Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
"There's just something about her."
"It's called an ass."
--Fred Potetz and me
"I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Revenge."
--Anton Max
"Hi, my name is Mav and I am a stud. I was always a stud, but I used
to be worried that all the women I was dating would find out about
it. Then I took Pat's seminar and now I can promiscuously fornicate
with the best of them. IF SOO HOO CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT!!! Thanx,
Pat"
--Mav, newsadmin, on "Free Your Inner Stud!" with Pat Soo Hoo
"Our motto is, 'If they don't give you the BOOTY, then YOU give THEM the
BOOT!!'"
--Pat Soo Hoo
"No, you suck."
--mean people
"Some see Spiceworld as proof that the war between Heaven and Hell
already happened, and downstairs *won*."
--Urac "Ratbat" Sigma
"So, I got this paint for my bathroom called PermaWhite, and it
uses a picture of Gerry on the can, with a big ol' smile....
"They were going to get an albino for the job, but they would have needed to
brighten the picture up a bit to make it look as white as Gerry."
--Bob Igo
"Ye think yoor some fookin' big shot now, prancin' 'round with the
bloody emperor."
--Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, by Ken Tanaka
"I take a peverse glee from watching people run head long into reality."
--David Henry
"Someone in the church isn't doing his job if there are all these molons
running around thinking that they're all going to heaven. Let's put the
fear of god back into the molon hordes again."
--Ken Tanaka
"So, if they did isolate the 'Slut Gene' I wonder if they'd make it public.
I'm sure there are factions who would not want to have the sluts of the world
'cured' and there would be those who would go so far as to want to infect
the rest of the world with an engineered slut retrovirus."
--Bob Igo
"One pretty woman means fun at the dance. Two pretty women mean trouble in the house. Three pretty women mean run for the hills."
--Abell Cauthon of Emond's Field, The Wheel of Time series
"Why is it that there are nine Muses, and yet not one works as masterfully as Pain?"
--Pat Soo Hoo
"I need my sleep... I need about eight hours a day... and ten at night..."
--Bill Hicks
"I was watchting this two-hour Hanson video. Then I realized it was
Children of the Corn..."
--Patton Oswald
"Now and then I need to grab people by the neck and bash their heads
against the wall. I suppose I could get a workstudy to do it for me,
but they can be unreliable around finals and midterms."
--Bob Igo
"I decided to take one for the team... and cheat."
--Mark, Road Rules
"This is Usenet. You have no rights."
--Alistair J. R. Young
"It's like the Robotech:
Sentinels series. Based on Robotech, but it had some strange
invented things that were more compatible with merchandising.
Hey... Catholicism is just like that."
--Bob Igo
"The only good goth is a shoggoth..."
--Alistair J. R. Young
"A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
--W. C. Fields
"I'm not cute, dammit. I'm evil. Evil, I say."
--Diablo, Goats
"If I put my mind to it, I could probably write very good erotic fiction. I could also strip naked, paint myself blue and run through downtown. Neither is something I feel like being known for."
--Dave Van Domelen
"Some Christain once asked me what the purpose
of life was if we merely went from dust to dust. I pointed
out the obvious that the purpose of life was to move dust
from one point to another...."
--Doug Quarnstrom
"Finding out how a woman feels about you is like calculating the spin on a particle! The very act of doing this will
alter the particle in ways you cannot predict!"
--Bob Igo
"Some nights I miss you. Some nights I miss you more.
Some nights I miss the bed and have to sleep on the floor."
--Karl Hendricks Trio, Some Girls Like Cigarettes
"I need one of those in my bedroom."
"What, an upside-down bed?"
"No, a woman."
--Fred Potetz and me during Gattaca
"When you see a child playing Godzilla, he destroys blocks or sand castles. But if you try to play American Godzilla, all you can do is run away from attacks."
--Yoshiyuki Kasuy, Japanese Godzilla fan
"Coffee and a cigarette? Man, those'll kill you quick!"
"If I had a third hand, I'd be drinking whiskey, too."
--me and Mark Kicmol
"That was so fucked up. My God, I hope I get this new job."
--me after watching Pearl Jam's video for Do the Evolution, specifically the part with the cubicles
"No money, no girl, at least I can grow a beard."
--Noah Wyle on Dr. John Carter
"Clangeddin teaches the virtue of a flank attack!"
--Thorin, priest of Clangeddin
"Real men use Class IV laser pointers."
--Mark Summerfield
"Someone should make a porno knockoff of Scream. The guy calls up women and asks them questions about porn, and, when they get them right, he comes in and does them."
--Zach Adams
"I now know what I live for.
"I live for the day when god comes down, says
to me, 'GRAHAM, YOU'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH,' hands me a big ass gun
with unlimited ammo, and tells me to go nuts."
--Graham Hill
"German is a great language, because no matter what word you say, it
always sounds like millions of people are going to die."
--Vagel Keller
"What is it with Europeans and fucked up modules?"
"Dunno. Maybe they're closer to the Wee Folk."
--Me and Fred Potetz on AD&D
"The Austrians have perfected the technology to turn everything into an
alcoholic beverage."
--Dr. Eckhard Krotscheck
"If it's got two butts, maybe it has a back."
--Eric Pronko on backstabbing
"I command you to... whoa, you're pretty big."
--Elementalist's last words by Fred Potetz
"Koffing!"
--Koffing, PokeMon
"I've got two stages: anger and drinking."
--Red Foreman, That 70's Show
"Drop to your knees and bite every inch of me."
--M Sipher
"Sometimes, I just hate being a woman. Then I remember I have big boobs."
--LauraRae, Straight Dope Message Boards
"I'm not into bubbly malted crud, so, if you want it, bring it yourself."
--Adam Phelps
"Would you like your evil Super-Sized(TM)?"
--Donald Sheldon
"What else could I be attracted to but myself?"
--Chris Warswick
"If it wasn't morally reprehensible..."
"...I'd fuck pigs!"
--Fred Zeleny and Drunken Mike Strauss
"In 1994, Blair Underwood left the role of Jonathan Rollins on L.A. Law,
due to the cancellation of the series. He was rumored to be pursuing
additional roles in film and television, but he was never heard from
again..."
--Gerry Deckert's The Blair Underwood Project
"Why bother having a military state like this if you don't even end up with any cool military hardware? I mean, what's the point?"
--Kei, WWWA Trouble Consultant (Criminal Division), The Dirty Pair: Start the Violence!
"Hey, boys! Better not get too close, or you'll be hypnotized by the breathtaking sight of my lovely rear end!
"HA! You can't look away! You're mesmerized! You're under the spell of my amazing Hypno-Butt! You're helpless before its beauty! Kneel before the majesty of my gorgeous heinie!"
--Kei, WWWA Trouble Consultant (Criminal Division), The Dirty Pair: Start the Violence!
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that: it's called 'everybody'. They meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey, The Drew Carey Show
"Shakespeare? Isn't that the liche lord from module B-12: Swamp Phantoms?"
"Yeah! He was kickass! I got my Anklets of Levitation from him."
Bob and Dave, Knights of the Dinner Table
"SUVs are minivans for people who are in denial that they're driving a damn
minivan."
--M Sipher
"It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much
doing nothing, really doing nothing."
--Gertrude Stein
"Your death is but a costume change away!"
--Erik Caponi
"It's all fun and games until someone loses their virginity."
"Then it's an adventure."
--Fred Zeleny and me
"A woman has needs, and I need a new computer."
--Meredyth Tuttle Didier
"Isn't there a rule that technology doubles in power and
halves in price every 18 months? By now, the guy should cost a grand or so
and be able to juggle battleships."
--Saltire, Straight Dope Message Boards, on the Six Million Dollar Man
"In order for the flamethrower to be invented, somebody had to say, 'Gee,
I'd really like to set those people on fire, but they're way over there...'"
--George Carlin
"We're surrounded? Good, that means we can fight them in every direction!"
--Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller
"Ninety-eight Blue and Green Slaad at the door, Ninety-eight Blue and Green Slaad,
Take one down, they gate in two more, Ninety-nine Blue and Green Slaad at the
door..."
--Biff the Wonder Twit
"Y'ever notice how Man is often likened to a virus or a cancer,
spreading across the globe, using up resources, changing ecosystems?
How come these people never talk about the prehistoric plants and trees
that spread across the earth, converting all that carbon dioxide to
oxygen and leaching nitrogen and other nutrients out of the soil? As
their dead carcasses piled on top of each other over the millenia, they
decomposed into pools of hydrocarbons, forming petroleum and coal.
Directly and indirectly, plants are the true despoilers of the planet,
taking pure and sweet solar energy and perverting it into hideous (dare
I say, evil) carbon compounds.
"'Green' alternatives my ass! Kill a plant today and stop the
destruction of Earth's pristine beauty!"
--Gerry Deckert
"My dad recently said that if men weren't the majority of people working
on PMS medication, there would be better products out there now. I
replied that if men really were the driving force behind PMS products,
we'd have a pill that would make a woman sleep for a week so we wouldn't
have to deal with their shit."
--Bob Igo
"Wow, they're right! Concealability: trenchcoat!"
--Mike Strauss carrying swords
"He's not bitter; he's Mormon."
--Tom Black
"I don't get offended by anything; I listen to The Bloodhound Gang."
--Kristy Gonze on music
"If your name were Organ Donor, and you weren't an organ donor, people would read your driver's license and think it was ok to cannibalize you for parts when you die. So it's best not to change your name to that if you don't want to donate organs."
--Bob Igo
"Transformers: the Movie would have been the greatest film ever if every line had been ended with 'bitch.' Try it!
"'Why throw away your life so recklessly, bitch?'
"'That's a question you should ask yourself, bitch!'
"It's FUN! Especially when you get to 'Now, light our darkest hour, BITCH!'"
--Hooper X
"What's a cut on a woman without a pump on her feet?"
--Michael Bivins
"Throw some water on her; I don't care what she turns into."
--Tengu on Venus Terzo
"I'm just as much a misogynist as the next guy."
--Meredyth Tuttle Didier
"I would ask that you refrain from using your bitch magic."
--Tycho Brahe, Penny Arcade writer, playing Uno
"No, I have a little brother because I spent the night at my grandparents' every Friday night for several years."
--Joel Reid
"You claimed all this time that you would die for me. Why, then, are you so surprised when you hear your own eulogy?"
--Tool, Eulogy
"It's like My Fair Lady, but replace Eliza Doolittle with a zombie."
--John Eric Hoffmann
"I am the Radiskull, and I will kill you all!"
--Radiskull
"But I wasn't just looking for eye candy. I was looking for her. And I was just as likely to find her in a shot of Jim Beam as anywhere else."
--Narrator, Looking For Venus
"But no TV means no one-eyed god who loves us...."
--Fred Zeleny
"And just when the battle seemed hopeless, I realized I had to start relying on my strengths."
"Which are..."
"Well, basically eating and digesting."
--Matter-Eater Lad and a reporter
"You can always meet a new clingy psycho stalker chick, but how often do you
find a really good job?"
--Bob Igo
"Oh, 1988 just called. They want their fucking games back."
--Tycho Brahe, Penny Arcade, on the Nintendo GameCube
"C'mon. A snail with flails instead of antennae. I mean really. Even
the article they did in Dragon Magazine (an April edition, of course) to
explain the evolution of the flail snail couldn't allieviate the fact
that it's a monster that was developed because someone who knew Gary
Gygax thought Hey, "Snail Flail" sounds like a cool name. But what
would it be? And then Gary, the poor bastard, told him."
--Fred Zeleny
"If you have a hot voice, then you should be hot. Those are the rules! Damn old women with hot voices...."
--Kelso, That 70's Show
"The body couldn't be mummified by now; it takes too long."
"I have an EZ-Bake mummification oven."
--me and Liz Hartman on corpse disposal
Christmas cheer
Now am hear.
Excoose me while
Me skratch my ear.
Me want giv yu
Seasun's Greetings,
Afterwurd, me give yu
Beatings!!!
--Bizarro World Christmas card
"The world doesn't have to make sense. It just has to spin up or spin down."
--Matt McGrath
"Anything that can be removed by Tilex isn't a miracle; it's just dirt."
--Meredyth Tuttle Didier
"I'm fucking huge. I'm six-foot-six and 250 pounds. I had long hair and wore fingernail polish from time to time. There were all sorts of reasons to beat me up. But when you're big enough, people think you might one day get sick of them and kill them."
--Penn Jillette
"This is reality we're talking about here. Science has nothing to do with it."
--Shawn Knight
"How can you live with yourself knowing that you've never even tried?"
"Very comfortably. My fear is a big warm blanket that protects me. If I never try, I can always stay cozy and safe."
"Sometimes you're such a big stubborn jerk!"
"Can't hear you. I'm inside my protective blanket of fear."
--Jade Fontaine and Brent Sienna, PvP Online
"I'm Fight-Man! I can do this all day! And all night! I can fight 'til the cows come home! And then I'll fight the @#*!! cows!!"
--Fight-Man
"They're called 'Dragon Balls'."
"Y'mean... some poor dragon...?"
--Bulma and Goku, Dragon Ball
"Back, foul tentacles of the Netherlands!"
--Sameer Yalamanchi
"Your life's like a Rollins Song. Your paranoia, fear, and hypocrisy sustain you."
--Fred Potetz to me, with the last bit sung Rollins-style.
"Hey! Hey! It's a Celestial Flying Were Dire Flail Snail. Get it right or suffer its wrath."
--Sameer Yalamanchi
"How many asses do I have to kick before I get some answers?"
--Hardware
"Villainy wears many masks, but none as dangerous as the mask of virture."
--Ichabod Crane, Sleepy Hollow
"We're capable of lying; the penis is not."
--Dr. Jerald Bain
"I'm female, and, therefore, naturally cold. I'm told it's a good quality."
--Lauri S.
"Jameel, compared to us, virtually all women are tiny. And they all have a weapon: their cold, cruel indifference."
"ACK! Cold, so cold...."
--Fred Zeleny and me on the dangerous trend of tiny women with deadly weapons
"My world is a crotch!"
--Burt, Sluggy Freelance
"Reason to be a govt. zombie #5: If you accidentally go on a drunken rage while in a secret govt. prototype and accidentally anally probe a whole town, the govt. is more than happy to cover it up for you."
--Mike King
"Why am I up this early? I feel like Jameel."
--Jon Dan
"God helps those who help themselves. Help your fucking self."
--John Eric Hoffmann
"Dammit, who keeps playing Up Before Noon on me!?"
"Jameel... sorry about the Up Before Noon cards... that would be me."
"You... suck. Vengeance shall be mine!"
"Well, you played The Daystar Can Come Get Some when you started working nights, so I felt morally obligated to have the Daystar do so."
--me and Charlie Collins
"The sun is in some ways like Happy Fun Ball: 'Do not taunt Happy Daystar.'"
--Charlie Collins
"I just hate wasting a whole day for someone else to end up with the girl, ya know?"
--Fred Potetz on weddings
"You have to face the fact that maybe God doesn't like you. In fact, he hates you."
--Tyler Durden, Fight Club
"We are a generation of men raised by women. Is another woman really the answer?"
--Tyler Durden, Fight Club
"Now, prepare to die, cur! You shall never be able to withstand my brain-pounding phat beats!"
--Alex Cresswell
"First Noble Truth: Life is Suffering.
Second Noble Truth: Desire for JohnEric's Wild Ride (tm) causes suffering."
--Chuck Werner
"If one ignores one's passions, one becomes a slave to them."
--Catharine Deloriea
"Best thing about being a govt. zombie #83: it may be cold outside, but it's warm here in the numbing womb of the govt."
--Mike King
"Men want a danger girl! With fire in her eyes and ice in her heart, capable of crushing the life out of them with her thighs!"
--Amy Chilton, Bobbins
"Go back to your alien masters and request a different body, woman!"
--John Eric Hoffmann
"Power corrupts, but chairs are comfortable."
--Brian Applewhite stealing the GM's chair
"You never know when you'll need a little piece of Ygg."
--Sarah Winter
"This is a bad, bad world, Tiegel. Money's just a tool to get you through it."
--Tommy Monaghan, Hitman
"That's all they're good at: being tasty."
--Liz Hartman on chickens
"Real life sucks. There isn't enough treasure on the people you kill."
--Chris Warswick
"So if your man don't treat you like he used ta, I kick in like a turbo boosta!"
--Positive K, I Got a Man
"Oh, sweet sweet Baroness. My first girlfriend...my one true love. I've said it before - if Baroness ever evolved into a real living creature, I'd be on her in two seconds. Hell, I've considered it with the toy. Baroness was the ultimate woman - glasses, black outfit, accent, and a gun. Winner."
--Matt@x-entertainment.com
"What can we do to make you accept a job at our company?"
"Offer me one."
--Employer and Fred Zeleny
"Two thirds of all we eat is sleep."
--Heff Munson
"I detest fleeing! I would rather die fighting!"
--Headstrong, The Transformers
"I've never seen anything this beautiful in the entire galaxy. Okay, give me the bomb."
--Ultra Magnus, The Transformers
"It appears to be paranormal in origin."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, it's so shiny."
--Giles and Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"Man, if punk chicks all looked like Gwen Stefani back in the 80s, punk would still be going strong!"
--Fred Potetz
"I resolve to continue enchanting and delighting the ladies with my awesome pimp powers!"
--Slick, SinFest
"This much unsupervised nubility should be illegal."
--Meredyth Didier
"No one can help old people without sufferring the consequences."
--Sameer Yalamanchi
"It's Valentine's Day! That's when you go after the women!"
--Fred Potetz looking at a world of hurt
Uh-oh. It seems that
Sun-blinded Jameel stumbled
onto the highway.
--Poetry by Jason Marlor
"My jib wasn't cut. My mother thought it was cruel to do to baby boys."
--Fred Zeleny
"Overclocking beef is easy. It's called paprika. The only problem is that much heat is generated in the process, necessitating large quantities of milk to be kept close to act as a heat sink."
--Fred Potetz
"I want a dog. A big purple dog with tasers for eyes. Yeah!"
--Fred Potetz after an exceptionally cool dream
"I'm going to buy a cat o' nine tails and call it 'embedded systems'. That way, if I feel the need, I can flail myself with it."
--Meredyth Tuttle Didier
"remember those signs wile e coyote used to hold up
before he fell off the cliff? i made one the other
day. it said 'i post in html'. i took it to a
department store and stuck it in a mannequin's hand. i
then punched it in the nuts till security threw me
out."
--Mike King
"Everyone has nuts to punch. Sometimes, you just have to aim higher and punch harder."
--Evil Ninja, Master Ninja
"Don't worry about your spit. It's all good...."
--Laura Marsh
"I'm going to make you more submissive."
--Datura Solancae
"Have we changed from our vegetarian thing?"
"Well, I remembered that I like meat."
--Princess Morgaine of Amber and Kyle the Raven
"First you want to kill me, then you want to kiss me. Blow."
--Ash, Army of Darkness
"I was going to get laser eye surgery until I found out it wasn't what I was thinking it was."
--Mike King
"Sufficiently advanced monkeys are indistinguishable from technology."
--Charlie Collins
"The line between 'dark, brooding' and 'carries a concealed weapon and wishes to slaughter enemies of Nine Inch Nails' is a fine one to walk."
--A Monk on fire, Master Ninja
"You put an awful lot of faith into a [fireball]."
"I'll stop loving it when it stops killing people."
--Chris Warswick and Fred Zeleny
"Is it against Lawful Good to use the Vader death choke on someone?"
--John Eric Hoffmann
"I don't really need a Brilliant Energy weapon. I mean, yeah, it ignores armor, but so does my to hit."
--Fred Potetz
"There's only one solution for 75-foot non-conformist dolphins: DEATH!"
--Dyna-Kids
"I need a faster computer."
"Shut the fuck up. You're the motherfucker who thinks the microwave takes too long. 'Three minutes is too long! I'm hungry now!'"
"Damn right. Hot Pockets should burst into flame as soon as you pull them out of the freezer."
--Fred Potetz and me
"So my parents tell me that playing video games and such have no pratical
value. All that time playing Crazy Taxi certainly helped me today when my
car suddently decided that it didn't need to be in contact with the ground
and starting spinning in the middle of I70. My instincts developed from
Crazy Taxi suggested to me that I should slow my car by dragging the car
along the guard rail instead of going off the cliff that I was close to.
But I'm alive and in one piece, I guess that's all that really matters."
--Lee Sheng
"You just have to realize that this takes effort. You can't wait for
the women to come to you. Roll for initiative, dammit! Roll a 20!"
--Laura Marsh
"I do believe that talking to strangers is one of our most important
tasks as human beings. How else will any of us grow?"
--Laura Marsh
"Being positive is like going up a mountain. Being negative is like sliding down a hill. So many people want to take the easy way out."
--Chuck D
"I am holding a great sword. You are holding chopsticks."
"I... see no difference."
--Shadow of the Velvet Curtain, metis Theurge Shadow Lord, referring to Claws of Gaia, homid Ahroun Black Fury, and Circles the Fire, lupus Stargazer
"Give me back my inhaler!"
"Okay, but I still have your bra."
--Brianne Dopirak and me
"Some days, Jameel, your mind must be a fun place to live."
--Dale Sheldon
"If I learned anything, the amazing power of alcohol has rid me of this information. And that's the way I like it!"
--Mario, OldSkooled
"Luigi, I'm the Beer Fairy! You're so damn drunk that I'll grant you any wish you want!"
"How about spiteful, bitter revenge?"
"... Yeah, I can do that."
"Mama Mia, not again!"
--The Beer Fairy, Luigi, and Mario: OldSkooled
"Mommy always told me there was no such thing as monsters. But she was wrong. They come from Microsoft."
--John Eric Hoffmann
"Why don't you go with Thief or something so I can forget you exist and let the unending tide of rage that I call 'being awake' simmer down to a mere powder keg of fury."
--Black Mage, 8-bit Theatre
"If a racoon can dance, it can damn well pack heat."
--John Eric Hoffmann
"That's not my ass! That's my colon!"
--Laura Marsh
"Look, Wickstand-head, me and Dave, it's all in the past."
"In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way a starving man would look at packet of roasted peanuts?"
"Because..."
"It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the salty goodness!"
--Christine Kochanski and Kryten, Red Dwarf
"The world loves a bastard."
--Arnold Rimmer, Red Dwarf
"Free coffee is a constitutional right! Look it up... Juan Valdez v the State of California!"
--Dr. Johnny Fever, WKRP In Cincinnati
"Nobody expects me to stop yelling. If I stopped yelling I would
die. It's like how dogs can't sweat, so they have to slobber, or
they'd overheat. I actually produce so much internal heat that I
both have to sweat and yell in order to vent all the superheated air
in my lungs."
--Donald Sullivan
"I like pie."
--Cheetor in innumerable World's Worst Fan Fiction
"Wait, Dex, do you honestly think Storm Silverhand likes you?"
"Shut the fuck up, or I will burn you to death!"
--Kaellin and Dex the Bastard
"Unfortunatly, given it's somewhat complex syntax, using find with rm
is like cocking a sawed-off shotgun, placing it in your mouth, and letting
a monkey play with the trigger a little."
--John Eric Hoffmann
"She's cute when she's washed out."
--Fred Potetz watching Kylie Minogue with bad reception
"Respect the cruller, and tame the donut."
--Xander Harris, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"I'm holding a doped up, radioactive rat. This is so cool."
--Meredyth Didier
"My readied action is to jump into its mullet."
--Muffin
"You need to try new Erikco Brand Hate, now with more loathing power!"
--Erik Caponi
"Something I find interesting is that Outlook Express considers all of Chad's mesages unsafe and refuses to display them."
"Woo hoo, mission accomplished."
--Matt Monroe and Chad Ziccardi
"I'd like to remind everyone that a majority of Christians live in
a compound miles under the surface of the earth. They have formed
a community called 'Mount Wuju', since they believe they live on
a mountain because of their upside-down metaphysics. They worship
Christ, and think moles are Satan, since moles can be found
'below' them. Their eyes have been replaced with tiny sheep."
--Chuck Werner
"I haven't been taught it yet, but I'm pretty sure I can make things blow up."
--Gillian Twining
"Don't break my pants! Don't break my pants!"
--Christina Conrad
"I told him not to call on weekdays."
--Christina Conrad receives an unwanted call
"Is this in real life or the Sims?"
--Lee Sheng
"Can't you get DIMMs as a prize out of cereal boxes now?"
--Donald Sheldon
"It takes a child to raze a village."
--Matt McGrath
"Igu's a rock and a hard place."
--Fred Potetz on why Igu would kick Blanka's ass
"She's a mystery, wrapped up in an enigma, stuffed into the creamy filling of a twinkie...."
--Kevin Haughwout
"You must be at least this desperate to get on this ride."
--Don Sheldon
"I come here to enjoy friends, not to get what I ordered."
--Jesse Daniel
"Dude, I want to see a cocktail version of DDR. Table Dance Revolution! Or 'Drink It Up'!"
--Fred Zeleny
"Or Lap Dance Revolution."
--Mike King
"I like my women like I like my coffee, and I don't like coffee."
--Warren Saunders
"With great power comes great assfuckage."
--Nick DeWitt sums up Amber DRPG
"You're the only guy I know who takes a vacation without having a job. What, do you need a break from getting up at 11?"
--Jerry Seinfeld to George Costanza
"Spleens are funny."
--Ann Zeleny
"Objects in the mirror may be younger than they appear."
--Fred Zeleny
"Bitterness is my anti-drug."
--Arsenal, The Titans
"It must be jelly, because I don't wanna fuck jam."
-Fred Zeleny
"This movie's not even about zombies anymore; it's about sex."
"Well, you know what they say: write what you don't know about."
--Mike King and Fred Zeleny
"I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now, watching an empty stage."
--Bill Hicks
"I apparently no longer have a 'wheat side'. Its been replaced by flaming hot Corn Nuts."
--Logan Chase
"If there is stuff that you feel you should or want to be doing, then you'll be too tired to do it. If you want to sleep the sleep of a healing coma, then you can't. The sickness hates you and acts for maximum spite."
--Charlie Collins
"Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass."
--Cordelia Chase, Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
"I just like playing with my cleavage."
--Kristi Cookson
"If at first you don't succeed, go after her little sister."
--Kevin Haughwout
"Ack! Boobs... stuck on table!"
--Samantha Wilson
"Why would I want a girlfriend? That'd be like taking another 12-unit course."
--Lee Sheng
"Thomas's English Theorem: Matter is 99.9999% nooks and crannies."
--Chuck Werner
"Just because it looks like your 2 year old child doesn't
mean it hasn't been possessed by the pure spirit of Nothingness. Better
impale it on a spear of made of your own thoughts, it just to be sure."
--Fred Zeleny
"I like my women the way I like my air: Cool and refreshing on the skin,
suffused with the fragrance of lilacs, and capable of destroying trailer
parks when accelerated to 180 mph."
--Marc Gabriele
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This page protected by the First Amendment, damn it.
H. Jameel al Khafiz, megabee@telerama.com